I Want a Husband

I want a husband. I want a husband who is handy. If the kitchen faucet is leaky, I want it fixed today. Not tomorrow, not in a week, today. I want a husband who can keep it together - emotionally- when I can't. If my hamster dies, I need him to stay stone faced and show no emotion while I am a crying mess. I want a husband who will give me a fairy tale ending. I want everyday to feel like one of those "once upon a time" stories. In order to do so, it is mandatory that at least every week my husband plans an extraordinary night out, to keep things interesting.  I want a husband who is comfortable with his masculinity. If I buy him a nice button up top with pink elephants on it and a magenta tie, I better see him wearing it the next day to work. I will not tolerate a husband who complains. "Everyone will make fun of me if I wear this!" I would passive aggressively respond, "well I guess that means you don't love me" and that would be that. I want a husband who is intelligent. I need to be able to have a conversation about things other than football, or any sport for that matter. My husband will need to speak with perfect rhetoric when he deals with all the negotiating he does for me: phone bills, tchotchkes I don't need but buy anyway, convincing the Starbucks barista that I actually ordered a grande, not a tall, so I get to keep both, etc. I want a husband who makes a lot of money. My husband will need to be able to pay my credit card bill, buy me expensive gifts, and send me the most luxurious flowers he can find, just because. Jesus, who wouldn't want a husband.